Testing

testing

Audra State Park

Here's a link to a PhotoShow of the crew's recent trip to Audra State Park in WV.

http://www.photoshow.com/watch/VN2av4uQ

The BSOB Years - "Small Town Life"

"Small Town Heroes"
by Rycherox

By now you've read El Gee and KD's essays on what things are uniquely West Virginian. I should probably add another, which is the constant explanations one has to give when trying to explain where we're located on the map. You see, we're not in Western Virginia. No, good people, our state split from the esteemed Commonwealth in the latter 1800s. There was this little matter concerning a civil war, if my history lessons serve me well. We're from a Panhandle state that's filled with some of the greatest mountain views, rivers and hospitality you'll ever find. That's not some lame excuse for a tourism trap. It's the honest truth.

It's been said that if you were born in WV, you will return for your final days. I remember hearing those words over and over as a child. I scoffed at them, as young know-it-alls are wont to do. "I'll get out of this place," I remember thinking. "I'll make my way in the big world. I'll show them all!"

What I've done so far, however, has been quite the opposite. Sure, I've been fortunate enough to travel cross-country. I've even spent time outside the US, and that includes outside North America. I've seen lots of places, met lots of great people, but in the end I'm proud to say I keep my base of operations right here in the Mountain State. If I want the big-city life I can travel a couple of hours and be in hubs of humanity such as Pittsburgh, Columbus, Baltimore and Washington D.C. When I've had my fill, I can return to the peace and relative tranquility of my home town. I'll probably spend the rest of my days as a West Virginian, and you know what? That doesn't bother me a bit.

Things unique to WV, that was our topic for this round. Here's what I'll list -

New River Gorge Bridge - longest span bridge in North America.
Mothers Day Shrine - located in Grafton, Taylor County, it is the internationally recognized birthplace of the Mothers Day holidays.
Morgantown - home of the WV Mountaineers, a college football team ranked consistently among the top 25 teams in the nation.
Snowshoe Mountain - some of the best skiing in the country, and home of one of the best chili cook-offs in the land.
Blackwater Falls - a majestic waterfall nestled in the heart of WV.
Green Bank National Radio Observatory - hosts one of the largest radio observatories in the US.
Oglebay Park - A state park in Wheeling that's known throughout the country for its Christmas Festival of Lights.

The list goes on and on, but I'll end this with one more thing that's unique to WV. Everyone born here comes with their own map of the state. Those who've been here know what I mean. Find someone and ask them!

Rycherox
May 12 2007

One of these Things Does Not Belong
by Knightmare Duck

This tale will be as West Virginian as Hot dogs with chili, pepperoni rolls, and fugi-ball. Today we are going to talk about things that are unique to West Virginia, as far as we know.

Lets start with an easy one, Hot Dogs with Chili. Now I'm not talking about the chili with beans although it is close, just take away the beans, add a little hot sauce, and thicken it a bit and your there. Add some mustard and onions and that's it. No ketchup, no relish, no cole slaw, and definitely no sour kraut. I don't know why, but if you venture North to Pennsylvania, you still get chili, but it is just the kind with beans slopped on top. If you keep going North to New York or West to Chicago you get just a wiener on a bun or worse yet a sausage. Go too far North and you end up with sour kraut (yuk!). Go South and you get cole slaw. Cole Slaw is made with milk, isn't it? Milk on a hot dog? That is wrong on so may levels I can't possibly explain. I know Rycherox will have a problem with this one because he is a ketchup/bun only hot dog guy but he is the exception to the rule in WV.

Pepperoni rolls are sliced pieces of pepperoni baked inside a dinner roll sized piece of bread. They can have cheese on them and sometimes pepper with sauce but that's it. As far as I know, these are unique to WV. They are best eaten while hot but are sold wrapped in plastic on the bread shelves of our stores. They have a pizza like taste to them and keep about the same. As they age they just get harder. I have been told by people from other states that the reason they don't have them in their states is because of their health laws. They don't let them put meat in bread then leave them at room temperature for days on end. Pepperoni rolls are good eating so if you get a chance you should try one, they show up on some local restaurants menus.

Fugi-ball is baseball with a tennis ball. You play it on a standard field but there are only four players to a team. Caught fly balls are two outs and extra outs carry over to the next inning (catch two fly balls in one inning and the next inning the opposing team only gets two outs). If you hit the ball to the opposite field it's an out (if you bat right hand and hit the ball to right field you are out). You have to get a double or nothing too (if you hit the ball in play you have to run to first base then to second before the fielders throws the ball to second base or your out). You can lead off but no stealing bases. Pitching speed is medium, nothing real fast but not softball like. You can strike out but can't walk. The game is played for the full nine innings. That's it. I've heard of other games close to this (stick-ball, whiffle-ball) but I was taught to play fugi-ball by older kids in the neighborhood and I passed it on to younger ones (kids too little to play get to play catcher). I was happy to see as the weather is warming up here in WV that there was a new group of kids playing fugi-ball on the field this weekend. It's been around as long as I can remember and is still going.

There are a few language issues too , accents being one. I think most West Virginians don't have an accent (except southern WV). Go North and you get the Yankee speak, go South and you get the southern draw, go too far West and you get "valley girl" but most of WV is neutral. Lets look at some words; do you have pops, sodas, or soft drinks, maybe just Coke or Pepsi? Have you every put your groceries in a poke, a sack, or just a bag? Did you ever carry your car to a garage for service or did you just take it there? If you live in WV, you drank pop, which your mom brought home in a bag, when she took the car to the store.

When I went to college in Ohio, my first night alone in a big city, I walked to the local store and bought a few items. I went to the check out counter with my money in my hand. The cute cashier rang up my purchases and then said "Do you want a poke for that?" I smiled and said "Sure what time do you get off work?" She smiled back and said "I mint a bag for your stuff". I was let down and took my "poke" and headed for the door, but as I got close to it she hollered "I get off at 10pm, don't be late". My smile came back. (I will explain, a poke in Ohio is a bag for carrying stuff in. A poke in WV, is a sexual act, as in "I poked her last night" or "Why did you guys let me get drunk and poke that fat thing?", I thought the cashier was offering to trade "goods" for "services" ) When we went out that night I try to talk her into that WV poking, but she told me that I had to have a special Ohio poke to put my goods in before we could try that WV poke. I told her I did not have a special Ohio poke, but really wanted to try that WV poking. She said "it looks like your poked". "Damn" I said "this must be the poking I get for poke I ain't got!"

I'm sure I've missed a whole lot of things here but I just can't think tonight. Alright guy's I'm gonna leave this one a little short, carry me.


Knightmare Duck
4-29-2007

"Small Town"
by El Gee

Small town America is a unique experience. If you have only lived in the city or the 'burbs, you cannot appreciate the nuances of living Small Town, USA. Country folk can appreciate to a degree, but they still look at small town USA differently than the citizens do.

I grew up in a small town. At its peak, my town had about 22,000 people...a city (albeit a small one) with a small town attitude. I liked living there for the most part. If Clarksburg or one of the other small towns did not offer it, then we did not need it.

Small towns have character. The tend to offer things that are difficult or impossible to find anyplace else. They draw in people from the surrounding areas who can appreciate the nuances of the town and add to it.

My home town is nestled in the hills of WV. The residents are of mostly Irish and Italian heritage, so Catholicism is very prevalent in the area. That does not mean that Protestantism is unheard of....but a small city of 20,000 people with its own Catholic High School, several large Catholic churches and days care centers obviously has a large group of Catholics to attend to.

Having large numbers of Italian residents means that the local fare will include an Italian spin on common everyday food. One of my favorite items fits in this category...sandwiches...more specifically, steak sandwiches. I am not talking about a "Philly Steak and Cheese" (we have a version of that we call a "Hoagie"). No I am talking about a Giovanni Steak Sandwich. I have been all over the United States and have not found anything even close to this Clarksburg creation.

A Giovanni, if you have not been paying attention to previous "The BSOB Years" installments, is a piece of cubed steak, pounded very tender and fried. That piece of steak is placed on two grilled/buttered pieced of Texas Toast and dressed with provolone cheese and stewed hot peppers. It will melt in your mouth. Actually, just saying the word "Giovanni" to anyone who has enjoyed one in the past will get their mouth watering, cursing the day "The Canteen" (the home of the Giovanni) went out of business.

The peppers alone that are used on this masterpiece are rather unique, as I have never seen them any other place than WV. While I have seen hot peppers sold in other areas, they are always made in WV and usually they are Oliverio's Italian Style Peppers. Yummy. To borrow a common phrase, "Often imitated, never duplicated". I have not had any of those in a long time and I think that my next trip back home should include a case or two.

Knightmare Duck has already mentioned Pepperoni Rolls, another WV treat. Pepperoni Rolls are fist sized (or larger) loaves of bread that have chunks of pepperoni baked inside. I have only seen them in a few places (Kroger in Durham, NC and Double Dave's Pizza in Dallas, TX) and while I cannot substantiate KD claim of not putting meat in bread at room temperature, I guess it makes sense. I am not sure why they are not sold in other states...eaten warm with cheese and/or Italian style peppers and you have a something that is almost as good as a Giovanni! There are not many bakeries that make them, but the loyalty to one bakery over another is very sincere. I worked for one of them (Tomaro's Italian Bakery) for about a year around the same time Carp worked next door at an audio/video store as a car system installer. The bakery and the A/V store were owned by the same family...the dad owned the bakery and the son owned the A/V store. That, however, is another story.

Once I went to Washington, DC and ordered a hot dog from a vendor. He asked me if I wanted chili and I said, "Of course! How else do you eat one?" He then proceeded to ladle some bean laden (not to be confused with bin Laden) goop on my dog. Yup, that was the way it was served. The chili was bland and tasteless and the paper tray it came on offered the most taste. WV hot dogs (an culinary work of art, I might add) have chili sauce on them, which is similar to the kind of chili that is traditionally served in Texas (no beans). While the style is the same, you will find more varieties of hot dog chili in WV than you can possibly count. While T&L hot dogs makes a good chili sauce, I am a bit biased to my mom's recipe. To bad she does not cook anymore...that stuff was awesome. And by the way, no self respecting Hillbilly (someone born in WV) would EVER eat canned chili. That is simply sacrilege.

I mentioned earlier that WV has a version of the "Philly Steak and Cheese", something that we call a hoagie. A Clarksburg hoagie is made on an Italian roll about 8-12 inches long. Italian rolls are used because they have a chewy crust that toasts up very nicely. Inside this roll you can put one of two types of steak, thinly sliced flank steak or the frozen "Steakum" style steaks. I prefer Steakum, but purists may prefer the natural flavor of real unprocessed flank steak. Once you have decided on your meat, you then add provolone cheese and sauteed onions and green peppers and pile it in toasted bun.

Not all "things WV" are based on food. While I suspect that some of them are just small town mentalities, I only saw them when I lived in a small town. For example, in my home town, 80% of the people who live there were born there. Try getting that in the city or the 'burbs. It is not uncommon to be born, live, and die in the same part of town and believe it or not, even in the same neighborhood or the same house!

Directions take on a new meaning when you travel in WV. You learn to accept directions like, "Go down to where The Canteen used to be, keep goin' straight and turn at left at the bridge...". Never once will you be given a street name. I am not sure anyone there knows the names of the streets they travel on. Heaven help you if you find a real old timer that tells you something like, "Go past the old A&P..." A&P has not been in WV (or in existence) in 35 years.

Of course if the location you are looking for is not "in town" you will be directed to take Rt 19, Rt 20, or Rt 50 out into the county and then instructed to turn down some "holla" (Hollow or Holler, depending on where you are), which is an unpaved country road. Cars with out of state plates on their cars are in for a real treat.

Many residents of Clarksburg "sweep" their carpets, "worsh" their clothes, panel every room of their house, and tend to use "those" and "them" incorrectly ("Them are the best hot dogs I have ever ate"). It took my wife about 6 months to break me of that (she survived the re-training process, but barely).

Something that I miss a lot about small towns are the older homes. Almost everyone had a front or back porch and after the workday was done, the porch was where you retired to read the paper, drink iced tea or lemonade and watch the kids play tag in the yard. Until I left small town USA, I have never been in a house with whole house A/C. Growing up no one had that and very few people had window units and if they did, it was for the living room or the adults bedroom...the kids didn't need it.

El Gee
May 1, 2007

The BSOB Years - "Building The BSOB Meeting Hall"

Paint My Fence
by Knightmare Duck

During the Brown Shack Out Back days, Carp, El Gee, M'wonga, Stupid Bill and I spent many a days at Rycherox's house. We had great times, but Ryches apartment, like most apartments, was a little small for six teenagers and Ryche's younger brother. We needed space! We wanted privacy! Ryche's mom wanted her garage cleaned out! Now I don't know for sure but I think Ryche's mom may be a distant relative of Tom Sawyers but instead of a fence needing white washed, she convinced us that we wanted to clean out her garage. Actually we asked her if we could clean it out in exchange for the use of the some of the space, but no self respecting teenage would ever admit to volunteering to do work.

Ryche's apartment like all house in WV was built on a hill. This leaves the garage door at street level but makes the back half of the garage underground. The garage was a single stall style with cinder block walls and it's roof was the cross beams of the floor of the apartment above. It had a wooden work bench on one side and a washer and a dryer beside the bench. The hot water heater was in the back. The garage door did not open up and down but was split down the middle and hinged on the sides. It was made of wood.

The garage had been used for storage for years, and was packed from floor to ceiling when we started. Because the garage was underground it seeped water down the back wall which had caused mold to take hold on the old items in the back. This was going to be hard work but we were going to be well paid when we finished, we would get our own space. We dug into it with fervor and before long we had everything out in the yard. Things were sorted into two piles, things that had to stay and things that had to go. The garage itself was given a good hosing along with the "things that had to stay" pile. Then we played a game of physical Tetris. We stacked, stuffed, and folded the "things that had to stay" pile until 2/3 of the garage was ours! We had even managed to grab a couple of old chairs and a card table for our own.

Our new space was cool and we began hanging out there. It became the BSOB HQ. The water was annoying but not a deal breaker. After a while we got tired of looking at the stuff we had piled in the back. We got a rope (someone's clothes line, sorry) and stretched it across the garage just in front of the pile of "keeper stuff" and took a bed sheet and hung it from the rope like a drape. This was great, it hid the junk in the back and provided a cool backdrop for our movies. We could still get to the dryer and began using it as a safe for our "dues" money (there is more to this story and it will be told later). We added a black and white 12 inch TV, complete with rabbit ears, and a small electric heater for the cold winter months. Now this was more like it, but we had no communications, we needed a phone. This being the early eighties, there were no cell phones, and cordless was too expensive. Well, I, always the geek, located the telephone lines that ran along the ceiling for the apartment above (Ryche's mom's) and tapped into them. We acquired an old telephone, spliced it in and "bang", we had phone service (no more trips out side in the snow to get a call). This was like having our own apartment, but we needed to decorate.

When we made our movies we made our sets out of cardboard. We even created a subdivision of BSOB called CEI, Cardboard Effects Incorporated, which was headed up by M'wonga. One of CEI's jobs was to collect cardboard, the bigger the better. One day CEI hit the mother load, they found a couple of refrigerator boxes. They were cut open and used to replace the white sheet making a "wall". Rycherox and Carp were good artists and it wasn't long before "doodles" began appearing on the cardboard wall. Soon the doodles became a kind of caveman cave art, and documented BSOB members' most personal embarrassing moments. At some point this work of art became known as "THE ABUSE WALL". The Wall hung for a couple of years and was covered with a picture history of BSOB members' embarrassments. Instead of listing the abuses here, I will, in the spirit of THE ABUSE WALL, just post it's picture.

What happened to the BSOB HQ? When we became old enough to drive, Rycherox needed a place to put his ride and the garage was to be used again for its designed purpose. Problem was, Ryche's car was too long to fit in it(another great story). Where did the ABUSE WALL go? I don't know but I think the rope holding it up began sagging and let the cardboard touch the floor and water began soaking up into the cardboard, destroying it.

Knightmare Duck
4-27-2007

"The Hall of Injustice"
by Rycherox

Not long after the momentous signing of the BSOB Contract (a story unto itself), there came a need for a meeting hall. The BSOB gang required a safe haven from which to plan future movies, devise elaborate schemes and create new and innovative ways to separate Carp from his weekly allowance. Being the youngsters that we were, it wasn't exactly a walk in the park when it came to finding a place to call our own. My house, while centrally located in town, wasn't exactly a sprawling estate. The place was small. It was so small you had to go outside in order to have room to change your mind. El Gee and Knightmare Duck's homes were considered, but they had a distinguishing feature that eliminated them from contention - parents who asked questions. Carp's grandparents' home was a leading candidate for awhile, as they spoiled us rotten whenever we visited. But alas, it was not meant to be as we took pity on them, not wanting them to be implicated in any way should one of our elaborate schemes backfire on us. In the end we were back where we started, and there came the dawn of the BSOB Meeting Hall.

The place where Mom, my brother and I lived had a garage that was partially below ground. Inside that garage were items we brought with us along with the remnants of past occupants' belongings. The far wall, below ground, had a bit of a leaking problem. Sometimes it was water, sometimes it was something far worse and oh so foul of odor. Several items in the garage were starting to mold and stink as the moisture took hold. There was a discarded dryer, long past its prime. There was a work bench on the near wall that held whatever would fit. There were boxes upon boxes of who knows what, perhaps a long-forgotten copy of the Magna Carta. My brother's and my bikes were stored there, well to the front and away from the oozing river of decay. The BSOB gang looked over the garage's contents, seeing not the den of degradation it was but instead a well-hidden fortress from which we could do what we wanted and still be able to get a quick drink or snack.

I asked Mom if we could use the garage. She agreed, but only if we would clean it up first. Foolishly we agreed, not realizing we'd signed on to do an honest to goodness chore. Moms are wise beyond their years. They enable us to feel like we've gotten away with things, but the truth is we often do their bidding. I'm sure I missed her wringing her hands while chuckling with devilish glee as I dove out the door to tell the guys.

For what seemed like an eternity we sorted boxes and threw away several smelly, slimy objects. Our spirits were boosted whenever we saw a previously-hidden section of garage floor or wall. We whooped and hollered and imagined all the fun times we were going to have in our BSOB Hall. When the job was done we stood and marveled at our handiwork. The garage was bigger than we thought. We moved what was salvageable to the back of the garage and claimed the front half as ours. In the days that passed we used the garage as a BSOB studio. When a backdrop was needed we used one of Mom's bedsheets, as was often the case. The workbench became home to an old black and white TV we used as a monitor. We were moving up in the world!

The garage officially became the BSOB Hall when we brought down my art table and accompanying chair. It was a brown or black tubular frame design with a large white top that would rise at an angle. For aspiring artists like I was at the time that table was the bee's knees. It became the President's desk during our weekly meetings and was also the Judge's bench during our weekly trials. The dryer evolved into our safe, where we kept various implements of hilarity and our dues and fines money. Never ones to be completely stupid, we made sure we had a lock on the garage door. KD and his wiring skills enabled us to jury-rig a cheap plastic phone to the wall. When the weather grew cold I managed to finagle an old electric space heater from my grandparents. It stunk and only heated an area the size of a postage stamp, but we were living the high life in that garage.

For our meetings we had a President, Vice President, Treasurer and Sergeant At Arms. Carp, if I recall, was the Sergeant At Arms throughout our years in the Hall. El Gee, KD and I rotated through the other elected positions. We ran a tight and mostly-fair ship, since we were bound by the statues listed in our BSOB Contract. That's not to say we didn't use our knowledge of legal loopholes, however. It was that knowledge that allowed us to put Carp on trial, time and time again, for a variety of perceived misdeeds. Just to be fair, we'd occasionally put one of us on trial too, with all money going to our coffers for purposes such as water pistols, large orders of fries from Long John Silvers and assorted props for our movies. I'd be remiss if I didn't add we also used the money to get our hands on beer and cheap wine. There, I told the truth.

At the start of what was to become our final season of home movies we envisioned a game show skit for the movie "Nite Lite II", our first sequel. We wanted something different in the way of props, so we put our thinking caps on and came up with the idea to use cardboard. We needed lots and lots of cardboard. We were fortunate to be within walking distance of the local Kroger. Under cover of darkness, we swooped in like rabid ninja monkeys and grabbed all the discarded cardboard boxes we could carry from the store's dumpster. Using that cardboard we crafted a podium for the game show contestants and a wicked-looking Flying V guitar for a music video. We had enough left over to make a wall/backdrop for our studio/meeting hall. We hung the cardboard wall from a clothesline we fashioned from hastily-assembled rope. We looked at the blank brown wall and instantly knew what must be done. We grabbed a handful of markers and turned it into the infamous BSOB Abuse Wall.

The Abuse Wall was covered with graffiti that poked fun at the members of BSOB, its friends and its enemies. The wall was primarily loaded with references to the hundreds of mishaps Carp endured or initiated, and held scathing commentaries on ex-girlfriends and nemeses. Through words and pictures we documented most if not all of our lives up to that moment in time. To the uninitiated it must have been a piece of garbage. To us it was the second coming of the Sistine Chapel. The wall is immortalized in our "Nite Lite II" movie, and while a good part of its writings are indecipherable in the film, there's enough to send the surviving members of BSOB into howling fits of laughter whenever it's viewed.

When the movies were behind us we still held our meetings, if only for a brief time. We also had several bull sessions where we debated the pros and cons of life as we knew it. I can recall a heated exchange between KD, El Gee and I about the virtues of the electric guitar. El Gee and I stood by our belief that the sound of an electric guitar was not synthesized while KD did his best to explain otherwise. We would also recap our favorite moments in the movies we'd seen, laugh like hyenas over some funny bit in a favorite TV show and rail against the injustices heaped upon us in the weeks' worth of school. We had our share of arguments, but we kept things intact all the way through to the end of our teen years.

As I grew older and had access to cars I wanted to use the garage for storage once more. The BSOB Hall was dissolved, and to this day I'm not sure what we did with the Abuse Wall. We probably just ripped it apart and threw it away, not realizing its importance in the annals of history. Had we not done so I'm sure it would have taken its rightful place alongside chunks of the Berlin Wall in some far-off museum.

Rycherox
May 5th 2007

"Another Brick in the (Abuse) Wall"
by El Gee

Ever since I have been a wee lad, I have desired to have a place to go with my friends to hang out. When I was little, they were call club houses and were usually in the woods. We built them ourselves bereft of any skill or outside help. When BSOB / ICoN came into existence, we were older teens without anyplace of our own to retreat to. Holmes' apartment became the focal point of all of our (mis)adventures but he did not have his own room...he shared it with his likable, but sometimes underfoot younger brother, Jake. The apartment was small and private space was non-existent. We had greater access to Holmes than he did to us, so going to him (at least in the beginning) made more sense, but the lack of private meeting space did not exist. With Knightmare Duck and I, we could always retreat to one of the many empty rooms in the upstairs of his large house. While it was no mansion (none of us had nice houses...but they were home to us) it still afforded us the space needed to spread out and have a good time. None of this did Holmes any good...he needed to keep an eye on his brother when his mother was at work so leaving the area was out of the question. Where were five meddling teens going to find a place to hang out and be themselves?

The answer lay beneath the apartment building that Holmes lived in...one of the two garages was included in the rent his mother paid each month and as far as we knew, it was only used to store old junk. We asked his mother about it and she agreed to let us clean the place up. We were ecstatic. While it was not weather tight, it would keep the rain off of us and would offer a small degree of privacy, as well as give us a place to film scenes for future BSOB classics.

The day we decided to clean was warm. The large, heavy doors were opened and the smell of damp decay wafted out. We looked at each other as if to say, "What do we do first?" as we surveyed the junk that littered the wet, semi-underground bunker. The smell was pretty bad. It seems there was a sewer leak at some point and much of the floor was coated in slimy goo. Items that were well beyond usable were dragged out and tossed unceremoniously in a nearby dumpster to be collected by the "sanitation engineers" our city employed to collect such treasures on a weekly basis. Items that were deemed "usable" (A loose term, at best) were set out and hosed off (if they were water proof) to be returned inside once cleaning was completed. Once all the items were removed, a garden hose was hooked up and the area was hosed out. Old brooms were used to sweep out the excess water and then we just waited for Sol to do his thing by raining down sunlight to dry up the mess. This last step took a while because while the sewage leak had been repaired (we think...) water still ran down the back wall onto the floor, causing a small stream of questionable fluid to run down the middle of the garage when the outside ground was damp. This was not something we were too keen on, but as long as we kept things out of the center of the room, we should be okay.

After a large degree of the drying had taken place, items that were to be retained were put against the back wall of the garage (on tables and stools) and we surveyed the space that was left. Not too shabby...we had roughly a 10 by 10 area that was usable and that would suffice. The problem we had was that we felt kinda silly sitting in a garage next to piles of junk while trying to be funny. What was needed was a divider between the junk and the members of BSOB / ICoN. Thus the "Abuse Wall" was born.

The abuse wall was a large sheet of cardboard (most likely a refrigerator box) that was suspended (IIRC) between the junk and the usable BSOB / ICoN space. A large sheet of cardboard is nice, but a large DECORATED sheet of cardboard is much better. So with the tools needed (markers and the cardboard wall) Holmes and Carp began applying their craft (artwork and cartooning, with a large dose of satire, abuse and ridicule) to the newly installed divider.

I wish I could remember the items that were on it, but try as I may, I am coming up blank. I seem to remember caricatures of Carp's family and various insults to us all made up the majority of the wall. The nice thing was that the more that was added the more fun it became to add things that went unnoticed until they were finally pointed out to the victim.

The BSOB / ICoN garage headquarters became a hangout when 2 or more members wanted someplace to chill, brainstorm, film, drink some wine, or a combination of any of the above. It was cold in the winter, wet in the rainy season, but cool in the summer thanks to it being partially underground. Far from perfect it served us well for a couple of years.

The BSOB studio was rather spartan in furnishings. There was a dryer (non-working) where we hid our dues money and a couple of stools / chairs. One immediate drawback to this arrangement was that Holmes had to run out the garage, up the stairs, and into his house to answer his phone. Being tight on money, a cordless phone was out of the question. It was KD who came to the rescue by tapping into the phone line than ran under the floor (which was the ceiling of the garage) of the apartment. KD had an old phone that he brought over and now we had full phone access without leave the comforts (?) of the garage. Of course, having a second phone line in the garage only added in the abuse since Holmes would talk to his girlfriend on the upstairs phone while we cut up on the one in the garage. Ah, what memories!

Once the garage was made habitable (sort of), the founding fathers formed ICoN and created a contract/constitution that had to be signed by all the members. It was an exercise in hilarity that only had one goal...make money from the misfortunes of others in the group. We had weekly dues and while I really do not remember much about it, I do remember that if any one member was "embarrassed" by another member in public, then the member that was embarrassed had the right to bring charges against the one who embarrassed him. A trail was held with a judge, a prosecutor, and a defendant. Law and Order, this was not, but it was fun and down right silly at times. Two cases that I can vaguely remember are "The Great Montgomery Ward Lingerie Scandal" and the "LJS Ketchup Pack Conspiracy". Both were charges brought up against Carp, the first was brought up by KD and the last by Holmes.

The accused had the right to a "lawyer", which was any one of the remaining members. The last man available became the judge unless the accused wanted to defend himself, then a judge was chosen. If the accused defended himself, then the remaining partners of "Shyster, Shyster, and Low Brain Waves" rallied together to win the case. If the accused chose to retain the services of S,S,& LBW, then the fees were high but an acquittal was almost guaranteed. The reason it was almost guaranteed was that the fees for legal help were almost always as expensive as the fines were. No conflict of interest there!

El Gee
4-26-2007

The BSOB Years - "Associate Members"

"(Re)Member Me?"
by El Gee

I have to admit that when The Duck decided on this subject for the latest installment of, "The BSOB Years", I was a bit nervous. The term "associate members" can mean different things to different people. Being a purist, I would say BSOB had very few "associate members", but to keep this missive entertaining, I will loose the confining bonds I normally work within.

Many of the people whom I would (loosely) consider as "associate members" have been mentioned in my "Chronicles" that I post on my blog, but if I try hard enough maybe, just maybe, I can release a suppressed memory or three. Here we go...

The first associate members of BSOB I can remember would be those who co-starred or were used as extras in the short films BSOB created. A few were friends of Holmes' (aka Rycherox) younger (he ain't little any more!) brother Jake. Jake was a likable little tyke way back in the day and he made friends as easily as he could walk to Chunki's in his BVD's (sorry about that Jake...I still laugh out loud thinking about it). The ones I remember the most are JC and Christi Bottletop (not their real names, but ICoN and BSOB Alumni will know of whom I speak).

JC and his sister, Christi were deeply tanned children that reminded me of cartoon-ish weasels. I am not trying to be cruel...I am speaking of the shape of their faces and mouths...they just reminded me of a weasel or a ferret. They were thin, but not unhealthy and tended to play well together. JC was loud and would pick on the older kids (getting hurt in the process) but gained enough respect to have the BSOB gang give him a walk on (actually a sit down) part as a wino. Strangely enough, he did a great job. Hmmmm...art imitating life? Holmes and The Duck say it was a bottle of trumpet cleaner he was "drinking". I will have to assume they are correct...I simply cannot remember.

Christi was older than her brother, but instead of hanging out with any of the girls, she tended to be a bit of a tomboy and I cannot ever say that I saw her hanging around other girls. For all I know, there were no other girls her age in the area. I think at this time she was 12 or 13. She was somewhat pretty and if memory serves, she also wore incredibly short shorts (Holmes' details are better than mine...maybe he was paying closer attention...). As with most girls her age, she was "developing" and I am sure the younger boys (those younger than me, Holmes, KD, M' wonga, Stupid Bill, and Carp...all of us 16-20 years old) paid close attention to her. For all I know, she hung around the older kids on purpose...

Christi had at least one speaking part in a BSOB production (and was an extra in others) as the receptionist in, "The Spy Who Slugged Me". While the line was not delivered perfectly, she didn't do too bad of a job...for a girl.

There was a litany of friends of Jake but names and faces escape me. Getting old sucks.

M'Wonga had a couple of guys he brought with him once to help film, but you could tell they were not in the mood to be on tape. The image of them standing and attempting to "blend in" without being noticed is still in my mind. Needless to say in was a non-moment in BSOB / ICoN media history. BTW guys, "Joe" still makes an appearance now and then at Rob and Bren's house in North View.

Sometimes people were included and I have no idea where they came from or why they even bothered hanging with us. "Clogger" Payne is one that comes to mind in the category. All I know is that one day we invite him to star in, "The Guy Who Slugged Me", a James Bond spoof, and then sometime later, he is being depantsed in public (on his second floor balcony) during the Italian Heritage Arts Festival. By the way, Clogger is one of the driest actors on the planet...where was William Shatner when we needed him?

Clogger was a unique guy (he is the only teenage male I have ever met who took and enjoyed clogging lessons) with a bit of a "nasally" voice. He, like our own Holmes, had pale skin and never wore shorts. Unlike our beloved Holmes however, Clogger wore glasses and had short hair. It all screamed "GEEK!" to me but unlike a lot of geeks, he was not knowledgeable of Sci-Fi, Fantasy, or comic books. This was evident when he joined Holmes and M'Wonga for a game of "Marvel Super Heroes". Clogger, not knowing anything about RPG's decided to use one of NPC's that Holmes created. Clogger, going by the name of the character only (not reading the bio Holmes created for him), introduces him to the group to the hero...something akin to:

Clogger - "Then you see a man coming towards you with a fish emblem on his chest, carrying a rod, reel, and a net."
Holmes - "WHAT? A fish emblem?"
Clogger - "Yes, a fish. He tells you he is called, the Bass Master"

(M'wonga and Holmes roll on the floor laughing uncontrollably until they almost wet themselves.)

Clogger - "What is so funny?"
Holmes - "It is Bass (Base) Master. He is a heavy metal super hero. He uses his super bass guitar to destroy things." (more laughing)

Maybe you just had to be there. Holmes (as well as me and Stupid Bill) were metal heads. Fishing was the furthest thing from our minds. Now if Carp had been playing...

I cannot include Clogger in this list without including the female version of him. Yes boys and girls, I am talking about "Laura Battleaxe".

Laura was friends with someone (Holmes' GF maybe) and was introduced to us. Laura was small and thin with short red hair. I do not remember her being overly coordinated but I do remember she was a geekette. She delivered newspapers (just like Carp, minus the Turtleback) and her family was about as obnoxiously pious as any I have ever met. I only say this because I was asked if I would take Laura out on a date (she never dated...small wonder) and to do so I had to "meet the parents". Immediately I was made to feel inferior or not good enough for their daughter and I had half a mind to walk out, but I remembered that I made a promise, so I kept it.

Laura co-starred (along with Clogger and yours truly) in, "The Spy Who Slugged Me". In that short film, Laura played my daughter and I played the scientist who developed something called "The Bra Bomber". TBB is stolen and Laura and I have to get it back. We enlist the help of Clogger, Inspector Norton Payne (I. N. Payne -- more of a play on words than you know) and the hilarity ensues.

Curses on you KD for picking this subject...I see some faces, few names, and absolutely no details! But I also comment you in the same breath for reminding me of "Drag Racer" which as you said, was filmed in BSOB style.

El Gee
7-22-07

"Supporting Cast"
by Rycherox

It's been awhile since our last BSOB Years entry, and wouldn't you know it, Knightmare Duck opts to choose a topic that's guaranteed to cause brain aneurysms. Did I spell that right? I guess I did, because the spell checker didn't jump out and bash me in the head. OK, time to talk a little bit about our Associate Members.

Personally I classify them in two groups. There were the ones who appeared on screen with the gang and I, and then there were the ones who ran with the pack (I try to throw in as many tired colloquialisms as possible) outside the realm of BSOB Studios.

I'll start with the girl nearest and dearest to my heart from those days. El Gee and KD, as you read this I'm sure you're thinking of a certain skinny redhead about now, but you're WRONG! I'm talking about my dog Wendy. She was a mid-size black and white mixed breed, and she was kind to the core and as loyal as man's best friend could ever hope to be. She was allowed to run loose in the old neighborhood, and it's a wonder she didn't get wiped out by a passing vehicle. She took a side-swipe or two, but she wound up living a long and healthy life. She had two appearances in our films. One was at the end of "Dr. Who vs. Metalman", where she played the unscripted part of a nuclear dog. The explosion was a wonder to behold, thanks to the power of old technology and the camera's iris and light balance settings. The other part she had was a fill-in for Sally the Weather Girl during the closing minutes of "Nite Lite". Wendy was a good dog and I still miss her.

Then there was the brother and sister team of the Lorks (this is a substitute name taken from Carp's classic mispronunciation during the opening credits of our movie "The Guy Who Slugged Me"). JC (I can use his true initials, so good luck to the masses trying to figure out what it means!) was a short, thin, buzz cut sporting kid who had to be the inspiration for the Tazmanian Devil. He'd do just about anything we asked of him, which came in great when we needed something done in the name of plausible deniability. He was a bit player in crowd scenes like "Dr. Who vs. Metalman" and, well, I forget. I remember he famously pretended to drink a bottle of trumpet cleaner while playing a snitch wino in "The Guy Who Slugged Me". His sister K-Lo was a tomboy to the core, although she was just beginning her blossoming into womanhood (sheesh, where do I get this stuff? Too much Mountain Dew!). She helped us out a lot in our movies, playing most of whatever female roles we came up with, which was a lot. We were growing boys, after all. K-Lo has the distinction of wearing the tightest pair of terrycloth shorts in the history of 80's fashion ever to be captured on video. She had a starring role or two, but as she started getting more girly in her ways, she no doubt saw the error of her ways and put some distance between her and the BSOB crew.

The only other gal to grace the hallowed halls of BSOB was the redhead El Gee and KD still snicker about to this very day, I'm sure of it. Redhead was the prototypical goody two-shoes, a product of an above-average religious family and countless years of band class. She was my first and last case of DUI - dating under the influence - but to her credit she accepted my lame apology (and didn't hold it against the culprits who made the phone call the night we were rip-roaring drunk). She was a friend of my girlfriend at the time, Doorknob, which is how she came to know the gang. Doorknob wasn't an Associate Member, and if you ask me why, I'm hard pressed to come up with any answer other than wanting to keep my BSOB and relationship worlds separate. Redhead, getting back to the topic at hand, starred in "The Guy Who Slugged Me" and the aborted "Dr. Who vs. The Krelnoid" before she left the scene. She left, but not before a final act of juvenile cruelty. She was a newspaper delivery gal, and one weekend she asked me to do her a favor and deliver her Sunday papers while she was out of town. I agreed, still feeling guilty about the DUI. Ah, but come that Sunday, the gang and I, having partied too much the night before, went to her house, took the stack of papers, went to the local river and promptly set them free. We didn't do it to be mean to her. We were just that lazy.

M'Wonga brought his friend Joe and his other buddy, er, Nameless to the BSOB studio on the day we filmed "Nite Lite". They stuck around long enough to be background filler for a music sketch. Smart, bored or deathly afraid, they quickly fled in terror and panic. Such is life and my recollection of them.

Ah, but then there was Clogger. He was the only male participant in a clogging group (clogging, for the record, is a form of dancing that kind of reminds me of that Riverdance crap). He was a semi-associate of mine at school, and needing more people for our films I invited him to take part in our madness. Big mistake. He didn't have much of a personality to begin with, and when we stuck him in front of the unforgiving camera, well, there are long-forgotten parts of the Sahara that aren't as dry as his acting. He was as wooden as a Redwood tree. To this day I still don't know why we kept the cameras rolling. Maybe it was out of sheer self-torture. Clogger stuck around long enough for us to trash his mom's apartment during a Labor Day Weekend in the early days of the local Italian Heritage Festival. We did so much annoying stuff it's a wonder he and his mother didn't get evicted on the spot. Angels we were not. We soon grew bored with Clogger, so we flushed him.

Last but not least there was my brother, who El Gee liked to call Tank. Tank was his name in a book we started to write years and years ago, using our home town as the basis of a nuclear holocaust/sci-fi/adventure story. Back then Tank was a short and stocky guy, who amazingly now walks the planet again in the form of his son DG. The similarities are freakin' remarkable. As some brother combos went, I was reluctant to have him take part in our films, but he proved himself to be loyal and good at what he did. He played bit parts in our epics, but he went all out in whatever we did. My one regret from those days is I didn't write more stuff for him, because I know he would have kicked major butt.

Like 'em, love 'em or loathe 'em these people were vital to our nefarious ways. I thank them all, but with no guarantees I won't plaster their faces on YouTube someday. Just kidding. I'd pixelate them if it came to a lawsuit.

Rycherox
July 21 2007

There Are No Small Parts, Just Small People.
by Knightmare Duck

This installments topic, "BSOB Associate Members", was picked by yours truly so I have no one to blame but myself for its difficulty. When I fist thought of this topic I intended it to include everyone who was ever part of or party to any BSOB events, including but not limited to our movies. I had quite a cast of characters running in my head but then I thought "just because we happened to know them, that didn't make them part of our group". So I will divide them into three groups, before the movies (club house days), during the movies, and after.

Before we officially formed BSOB (with signed contract and all) there is probably only one person that needs mentioning here, KG. KG lived close to me and El Gee. KG was more a part of El Gee and my earlier life but Rycherox and Carp knew him too. About the time El Gee and I started going to Rycherox's house KG got other interest and began hanging out with different friends and we parted ways. The reason I'm including KG in the list of associate members is because he owned an old 8mm soundless camera that me, him and El Gee used to make some of our first movies. This was the old style 8mm reel to reel that had to have it's film developed and required a projector to view the films on a blank wall. The three of us made two movies, "The Drag Racer" and "Attack of the Giant Mutant Turtle". I'm sure that El Gee would agree that even though Rycherox, M'Wanga, and Carp were not in "The Drag Racer" it was in the classic BSOB style.

During "The Movie Years" there were several "Bit Players", some stuck around long than others but in the end none made the cut to become full members (friends). I'm going to just run through them and write what ever comes to mind. I'll change their names to save embarrassment to them and us (by us, I mean Rycherox ... lol).

KC and JC were neighbors of Ryches. Both of them were younger than we were. JC was friends with Rycherox's younger brother and everyone knows what happens to younger brothers and their friends...Anything we didn't want to do, we talked them into doing and they did it happily just to get to "hung around with the the older kids". Both JC and Ryche's younger brother were in most of our movies and each have a good tale that needs told;

While filming one of our movies JC kept wandering into shots and was yelled at, beaten, and had rocks thrown at him in an effort to keep him out but it was all for not. In the end we just gave him a "bit part" as a drunk. To our surprise he played the part very well, and although we had no alcohol bottle to give him, he pulled the scene off with a bottle of trumpet cleaner. It was good enough performance to cause us to write him into another BSOB movie scene we refer to as "The Attack of the Krelnoid". Once again he played the part better than any of us expected and to this day it still makes me laugh to watch it.

As for Ryche's younger brother, we at BSOB grew up in the eighties and were all addicted to video games, but in those days you had to go to an arcade to play. Ryche's Younger brother hated it when we would ditch him and go to the local arcade without him. Well one day we decided we were walking to the local arcade then maybe driving to another one. Ryche's younger brother had been outside playing all day and had to change clothes to go with us. As soon as he went to his room, closed the door and began changing clothes, we yelled taunts at him and ran out the door across the street to the arcade in an effort to ditch him. We heard him hollering not to ditch him, but we did. Once we got into the arcade and were playing our favorite games, Ryche's younger brother shoves open the door and began yelling at us for ditching him. Now this by itself would not be funny, but the fact that he had no pants on made it hilarious. You see he was in such a hurry to catch up with us that he forgot to put pants on when he changed clothes back at the house.

KC was JC's slightly older sister I think. She was still younger than us but we had female roles in our films and she offered to help out so we gave her a few roles. She was pretty good at the roles we gave her but as soon as she grew out of her "tomboy" years she wisely moved on to more girlish things.

M'Wanga once brought two friends over to help us film (we needed actors). As I recall it, their names were Joe and Fred. Neither spoke, or even moved, they just stood beside each other for a few seconds in one movie trying to blend in as background players. M'Wanga was asked not to bring them back, ever.

Then their was CP. CP was brought to our group by Ryche in his effort to get us more actors. CP was a little goofy and when the camera was turned on, he just plain sucked. He could not remember three words, and couldn't read two. He lasted a couple of weeks and then disappeared. I remember that he was a Clogger. I think it's a type of dance and I imagined that it was a little like tap dancing with wooden shoes, but I don't real know or care.

As Ryche has been reading this I beat he thought, "Oh God!, when is he going to get to it!" Well here it is; What do you get when you mix several bottles of cheap wine, a girl named Laura, drunken friends with telephone access, Rycherox, a stack of Sunday newspapers, and a river? I would love to give you the answer to this question but I can't. It's a classic story of love that rivals Romeo and Juliet and even has a tragic ending and a betrayal but as I said I can't tell it. You see if I were to tell you this story, Ryche would surely retaliate, and I am well versed in the M.A.D. theory (Mutually Assured Destruction). Sorry. As for Laura, well we needed actress and see offered but after just one staring role "it was not to be".

After "The Movie Years" there is just one other person I think needs mentioned, Ed J. Ed was brought into our group by Ryche, El Gee and Carp. Carp and El Gee worked at the local MCD and Ed was a coworker. Ed was good comic relief and he was a born follower. In his short time with us, we managed to get Ed ground for skipping school and fired from MCD for skipping work (all in one day). The story is too long for this installment but if you skip school to go swimming don't go home earlier then you normally would and when you later call off work at MCD don't go there and eat during the shift you just called off for.

There is another dozen or so people that I could put in here but they were not really a part of BSOB. I had too much trouble just getting this much done so I'll stop it here. Later All.

Knightmare Duck
7-20-2007